Baby Steps..

This one is a bit unlike my norm. I apologize. I promise I have a funny one about pooping and boys coming soon! deal with me.. I just got deep ..

When do you stop?

If you’re me, the answer is never. You see, I am not afraid of failing. I feel like my life for a long time was an uphill battle, and even today I still feel the pain in my hamstrings from climbing. In 1996, my “World Cultures” teacher laughed at me when I said I wanted to join the Air Force. It took 8 years and a broken heart to convince myself to do it. When I enlisted, I said “baby steps..” I joined the reserves to see if I liked it.. I left for Basic Training and in my head I repeated (for 6.5weeks) “Baby Steps..” and  I made it through what most thought I’d never survive. I went to tech school and again, Baby steps.. Some of you know my tech school story- majority of you don’t. Short story- I washed out. I applied pressure to a bleed with my full hand instead of 2 fingers, and I failed skills. That meant I was no longer going to be a flight medic. But you see I am a flight medic today—a very decorated flight medic.. Because of my determination and because I didn’t take NO as an answer. I went home and waited for a decision to be made on the program letting me go back through- they did. To date I am pretty sure I’m the ONLY person who was reclassed to the same career field. And for that, I am thankful. But, I did it. I did everything I could and had to do to reach that goal.  I had help from TWO people, but the majority of it was my determination and not taking NO as the answer- and today I’m a flight medic- and I have dedicated my life to this job. I started college in 2008 and while I loved some things about it, I hated it. I hated the homework, the classes, and the challenge. It wasn’t easy and most of you remember my facebook posts about Math for 2 years straight. But, every week I said “baby steps” .. I deployed and continued classes, I got dumped, continued classes, the more that was going on in my life, the better my GPA even managed to get  a 4.0 every semester during a really awful time of my life. Because I didn’t fear failing and because I didn’t know how to do anything but keep going. I applied to nursing school 3 times, and got denied every time. First my test scores were too low; next there were too many applicants, the 3^rd time I stressed until I got the letter from the school. Before I opened it I said “if it’s a no, there’s a reason and I gotta find it..” Opened the letter and it was NO. But this time I didn’t cry. I started my junior year at UWF and picked Health Science as my major. At least with this I could go back and be a nurse if I wanted to. Instead I fell in love with the other side of the healthcare world. I am graduating in August with a bachelors degree- in 1998 I was lucky to get a high school diploma, in 2013 “baby steps” is the biggest phrase to me.

Along the way I lost my amazing boyfriend of 5 years. - a patient, understanding, and caring man- who would’ve done whatever it took to make me happy. I lost him because I was selfish, immature, irrational, and angry. I wasn’t even sure why I was angry, but I was. I hurt him, I embarrassed him, but out of that I learned what was right and wrong with the way I treat(ed) people. I took the lessons learned and my fragile heart and gave it to the biggest PIECE OF SHIT on earth. Everyday with him was awful; he is a hateful, horrible, lying, angry person. I was patient with him, understanding, and always trying to help him be a better person. Everyday I thought “baby steps” with him-- one day he will mean I Love You when he says it.. He never did. And that’s ok. I was hurt when we broke up, not because he cheated on me, he cheats on everyone- I’m no different, and neither are the next girls. But I was hurt that I wasted my kind heart, patience, and understanding on a terrible person—traits I learned by treating a good guy terribly. Every day of the following year was horrible. I was again very hateful.. I tried saying baby steps- but it wasn’t enough. I was lost. Days were awful and nights were worse. At times, I’d lay on my living room floor, completely alone, crying and I didn’t know why and I felt I had no one to turn to. One day while crying “baby steps” came out of my mouth and I realized there was no giving up- that was too easy. The best thing I did was spent the next 8 months “finding me” by taking baby steps. First, I said I have hate, get it out. And I talked about it to a therapist, sisters, friends, (but not a ton of them, just a few)  I read books, I looked at what I was doing or how I was reacting to situations and I pointed the finger at ME not at the external issues. Those were only there because I was allowing them to be there. I have since become a great person. I’m kind, I am patient, I want to help others. I try very hard to make good decisions, sometimes they turn out to be bad, but sometimes the bad have a reason for happening. Some calling it failing- but that’s fine too. I’m not afraid of failing. It hurts and I cry when things go wrong because—I’m ready for my “rights.”

Recently I experienced the hate, rage, and anger of another person, but similar to the things I used to feel (ok, WAY more extreme) and I got angry that “fate” would bring me back to this stage of “my” life, even if it wasn’t me that was acting this way. I saw the pain in someone else’s eyes- the same look and pain that I saw in the boyfriend’s eyes that I put through hell. Upon meeting this one, I thought—this is my good karma- this is my 2^nd chance at having a good guy- then as the shit storm rained down I realized it was karma that was both good and bad. I may not have what I wanted from that, but I feel that I am helping that person get the life deserved.. Every day with the struggles I saw in that I thought “baby steps.” And I thought of how far I had come since the days of being a hateful person to an undeserving, kind man.

I’m going to continue with school, I’m going to get a Masters degree by taking baby steps. Every night that I fall asleep- I realize I took a lot of baby steps and got pretty far. Instead of running and missing out on the good along the way- and instead of quitting- I will continue to take baby steps..

You see, I’m not afraid of failing- all of my failures have made me this person today. They’ve brought better things to my life. Failing isn’t bad—and neither are baby steps. The most important thing to remember is that you can’t give up. My motivation and my determination are hidden in baby steps and the courage I have to fail and know something good will come from it.