The FRIEND ZONE... (with added bonus dating tips throughout)

I think I was 26 the first time I heard the term "Friend zone"and it was introduced to me by what is now my very best and closest friend, a guy who holds the #1 spot in this place that I'm going to call FZ..

The friendship started because I was working at the base clinic and with extreme courage, he came to meet the girl who no one really knew (I'm a reservist, and randomly show up at the base to work) anyhow.. At that time I had a boyfriend so it was obvious where this would lead.. In turn this led to him meeting lots of girls over the years, that I was friends with, who instantly did the same thing-- FZ, on top of that, he has been my punching bag through 2 failed relationships, my constant friend through all the shitty ones, has even had to give up friends (because when I was done, I took my friend too), has talked me down from the ledge several times, has watched me attempt to destroy my life in fits of rage otherwise known as "GOODNIGHT WORLD" moments, and has been to war with me (literal and figurative).. He's been through a LOT with me, in the FZ now for 7 years strong!  .. This is one of the greatest guys most of us will EVER meet, and good looking-- so what happened?

Here we go..

Guys are straight cry babies about this happening.. And usually I hear the same thing from the guys who ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN (yes, you allow it.) They say this.. "She wishes she could find a guy like me, but won't be with me--she's stupid" You know who's stupid? You.. You're stupid for helping her meet other guys, (or dropping her off at the other guys house, RUINING THE NEXT 2 YEARS of her life) being the guy who lets her burp, cuss, fart, and not only DISCUSS pooping in general-- but listen to her stories about the actual poop she took.. You are there, saying all the right things when she is sad or pissed off, being a true best friend, almost like a sister, but you have balls, so a brother-- but you aren't going in to close the deal, and if you are trying to close the deal-- you are doing it at the wrong times..

You got the "great guy" down -- so now you need to figure out when the right time to make the move (and by that I mean ask her out, don't touch her)  Most of the dudes in my FZ that HAVE tried, try when I'm mid tears, snot all over my face, or about to put my fist through a wall.. no.. not the right time.. On the other hand, there is a level of FZ that almost no one can escape out of.. Even if her friends tell her everyday that she should marry you, or she realizes how much you positively impact her life, there comes a time when it's LITERALLY like dating your brother! From personal experience, I learned to be careful with TRUE friends.. I've had ONE broken heart-- and that was from a very short relationship in my early 20s... I took a chance with my best guy friend who begged me to give him that chance.. then he realized a couple months in that he just wanted to "be 21" and "single" I now lost my boyfriend-- but worse-- my best friend..

The guy I mentioned in the beginning and the main person influencing THIS blog-- I could never live without. and that is probably the reason he is in the FZ..

How to NOT get put into the FZ.. 
These are just things I think can help you guys out.. and things that have caused you to have a seat in it.

1) If you want it-- GO GET IT..
 You have had moments of flirting with this girl that alcohol isn't involved with and she mentions something that leads you to think she's interested.. OK here's the chance.. Even if you are at 2 separate locations, in my example I will use 2 different hotels located near each other.. (maybe you're traveling, I dont know/2 different areas of town, you get the point) if there is some flirtatious texting going on (no, not sexting) and she says anything along the lines of "I wish you didn't leave" or "I wish your hotel room was here" or "I want to hang out with you more.." You get your ass BACK to HER hotel .. you knock on her door, and when she opens it-- KISS HER.. DO NOT do anything first.. STALLING is your biggest error.. yep.. contradicted my "first date kissing" NO rule-- this isn't a date.. This is most likely a girl who is shy or not sure how to cross the line.. and then.. exit.. You will have the power at this point! This HAS happened to me ONCE in my life- and will probably be in my memory bank FOREVER.

2) DON'T BE HER "BOY"... girls have girlfriends for a reason.. They help us find guys to "date" (torture), listen to our stories about our horrible dates, our period, and how much we can't stand the other girl(s) etc .  Try taking her to dinner-- ask her to dress up .. don't be creepy-- just throw it out there-- see what happens.. DON'T ASSUME YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH.. she's probably thinking that about herself.

3)PICK UP ON HINTS. you aren't dating, but.. she's your friend on facebook.. and she "likes" certain pictures, statuses, or maybe even goes as far as commenting about how cute you are in a pic? THIS IS ESPECIALLY TRUE if you aren't already "real life" friends.. (meeting someone at a party once, doesn't constitute "Friends")
ex: you have a terrible mustache (for mustache march, obviously) and you post a picture- and she comments something like.. "Get that off your pretty face" and then you post the shaved pic, and she says "better" or something-- DONT' JUST "LIKE" her comment. FLIRT BACK!!! If you don't already have her phone number-- ASK FOR IT-- or I guess you gotta do it on fb.. whether on that thread, or in a private msg-- start flirting back.. USE CAUTION.. if she's "ME" -- private msg, bc if I'm not  REALLY interested-- I have no filter and will let the whole cyber world know it..

4) GET HER NUMBER. (stop being a vagina).  Stop as my roommate would say "LMS" (liking my status) .. the only form of communication between you 2 should not be FB.. Use this line -- it works. "Hey I'm hardly ever on here-- gimme your number so I can text you" .. or.. "Hey-- what are you doing  (random day) we should hang out sometime! Text me so I have your number".. done. now you're onto text-- magic happens with girls and texts.. (My therapist says we use text messages like journals and say TOO much there.. ) ** if you DO text her-- "lol , :) , or ;)" (wink face) ARE NOT WORDS.. we don't under fucking stand what that means..

5) TELL HER, don't ask, tell her when you are going to go on a date (this works if she gives you the #, she isn't giving a creep her phone #)   spending days or even weeks texting is silly.. we're old-- TELL HER SHE'S GOING ON A DATE WITH YOU! story time..  The last date I went on.. I had to introduce the idea.. I wasn't sure how to ask (I thought he'd say no)  I had been waiting for him to-- he didn't (of course) and it happened,  my finger accidentally typed this "We should maybe go on a date...." the response time seemed like 30 mins of that little "imessage" bubble-- but in reality-- 2 mins later "We could probably do that.. how about friday".. Bam.. it's set.. she can't back out-- BUT again, lots of girls aren't ME.. they're waiting for YOU to make that move.. so .. .once you got her digits-- you send a COUPLE (4) msgs, and then you say-- "We're going go cart racing(or whatever) friday.. meet me there" (driving yourself gives you both time to dance in the car, fart comfortably, and relax a little.. ) ***** IF YOU HAVE TO reschedule it's fine, things happen- but.. DO ALL YOU CAN to make it that same week-- don't give her time to think about it-- and don't make her think you're just canceling by NOT having a different day picked out..(ex: date planned for friday-- plans change (for a LEGIT REASON) say "hey.. is thursday good instead, this came up..."

6) MAKE MOVES!  By date 2, things are good bc you are still trying, and bc you've probably talked quite a bit via text/phone and if you're both on date 2-- she likes you!  When you meet up, greet her with a hug.. if hugs are too much, kind of a arm around her lower waist- brushing the "small" of her back, no, don't smack her butt--  and at the end of the date- kiss her.. maybe licking her mouth is too much tho.. kiss her on the cheek.. If anything happened between date 1 and 2, (like-- a miscommunication in plans for the night before that led her to think she was stood up) --kissing her is probably a bad idea-- so-- maybe a light peck on the cheek, and say YOU'RE SORRY, even if you said it 300 times-- say it, and mean it.. K, thanks.


But.. 

If you got yourself in the friend zone within a date or 3, she isn't interested. bottom line.. maybe she wants to be your best friend-- but.. she is NEVER GOING TO DATE YOU! Maybe you can ask her what got you there.. But, I bet the #1 answerYou hesitated, didn't make a move, or something similar-" you made her doubt you wanted her- so she shut off any feelings.. .. now, if she isn't talking to you at all-- you may wanna reevaluate yourself, you aren't even in the FZ at this point.


Now.. something from a GUY about FZ...
He told me (yesterday) that he did the "reverse friend zone" and explained it's when they get put in the FZ AFTER the "hook up" ... and when I called him a gross human being.. he explained he "only does that to girls who give it up the first time hanging out" .. WHAT? I'm sorry-- I didn't realize you have NO CONTROL of your mouth, hands, and wiener, or whatever parts were involved- and it's all her fault.. NO .. like I told him-- those girls have self esteem issues, because disgusting men exist.. and some think the ONLY way they can get your attention is to do that.. You my friend, are a whore.. (yes, the guy.. not the girl).. well.. maybe both.. but either way- don't blame the girl for being "a slut" and don't call that FZ.. we as girls don't consider us friends-- in fact-- we're plotting your demise while drinking cheap wine with our most vicious girlfriends..

Here it is.. my thoughts on the friend zone.. Stop crying.. and stop making the same mistakes so much.. If you're a great guy, good looking, and have your shit together-- and a TON of girlfriends-- YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG..

To my best friend in the FZ.. not only would one of us end up dead--if the FZ didn't exist, but relationships don't last forever-- best friends do.. :) and I have to share one of my million memories with   him... (We were on an adventure and I saw a pic from it on fb-- his butt was facing the camera)

"hey ____"-- when did you get that butt.. it's really nice
"Hey Kim" you know where it's been??  it's been here all along IN THE FRIEND ZONE.... " (with another line that isn't appropriate) hahahahhahahahah..


Friend zone.. When you're as important and close as her little brother..