**** I have some dating stories from just my 30s that would make people think I was making up funny stories-- sadly-- all my stories WILL be true and I will share them in time.. This however, is just some dating tips and shit for now..
Dating.. Some people love it, some people hate it, but it's something we all do. This is for the ladies, but guys-- feel free to use some of these tips and also try to understand the "lady mind" while you're out searching for Miss Perfect..
Here it is. No one is that-- perfect-- it's about what you can make perfect for YOUR life.Not your friends, not those who see you out, RULE 1. if you laugh more than you fidget or even cry-- KEEP HIM.. In dating the first mistake we make-- thinking it's forever. Let's face it-- it's not. Don't say your name with his last name, don't imagine who will drop the kids off at school, or who will do laundry-- JUST GO ON A DATE. Sure, some things are forever-- but in dating for the most part, they aren't. If in fact I'm wrong, then I for one wouldn't have good and scummy exes, right? I
Ok so when should you date? Well, some will say always date, never take a break, because we're only getting older. And some of you (once us) are guilty of searching for love-- WITH NO END! I may have thought that for a brief period of my life but can say I learned "WHEN" recently. You should date when you are able to sleep alone, watch a movie alone (home or theatre), and eat a tub of ice cream because you just wanted to and not because you are "eating your feelings." When saying "yes, 1" in a restaurant, where you will have to sit alone is not a big deal, and when you can go a full 3 days without thinking of a way to torture your most recent ex, then I'd say it's time to try dating.
Some common mistakes in dating are rushing into it, falling in love instead of recognizing lust/infatuation/obsession-- you know-- the cloud 9 HE'S SO WONDERFUL times-- when you need to fill my facebook newsfeed with the reasons he's so great.. ex: he got me flowers-- (stupid, why can't he pick you A FLOWER), he called/texted/"liked" your status.. (that should be normal, not a sign that he "loves" you.) Made you dinner-- (ummm.. because you think like Mitt Romney and assume YOU have to make dinner all the time? No).. OK, I think maybe I gave enough examples-- those aren't love- those are things people should do for each other-- am I wrong?
So, you're comfortable in your own world, can entertain yourself, and feel like you have a bit of control of your own life-- so let's go dating.. (Or I call it eating food (or whatever activity) with the opposite sex).. Why is it important to date? Dating is awesome.. It's like practicing for job interviews and the prom all in one.. You set a date for say, Thursday on Monday.. From that moment you decide to go on a date, you obsess over what to wear, you shave your legs, and think about the conversation for days. The day comes you actually DO your makeup. You draw a pretty little line on your eye lid, actually put thought into your eye shadow, and do all you can to make your lips and lashes stand out. You wash, condition, then dry, straighten, and curl your hair, and try to get it to look like a model and it usually does because it's not your typical pony-bun (that's what I wear).. You put on 29 different things- only to wear the first one you tried. And you check your butt out 10 times-- probably (if you're like me) you take a few self photos and post them on instagram or text them to your friends to get "Wow, YOU LOOK GREAT" confidence boost. What just happened? You were excited about something, you took time to be a girl and look the best you have maybe all month, and you got some compliments.. That is a great part of dating-- you take time (whether 30 mins or 3hours) getting ready to look nice for someone else.. So, that's a perk! every girl needs that sometimes.. When you look good, you feel good-- right?
Finally. you get to go face this person.. If you're like me, you don't really get nervous-- ok, I'm lying, I get terribly nervous.. I don't know the proper way to be a girl, I burp at the table, I talk about pooping, I make jokes that are probably offensive to the date, and I ramble. I am the most outgoing person I know, until I have to go sit somewhere for a period of time with someone I don't really know.. I've recently started asking questions.. Here is a few of them..
1) When was the last time you did an illegal drug? (the answer to this IMMEDIATELY tells you to get up and leave or continue)
2) How many Rx medications do you have? (if they say Motrin, you ask how often they take it-- tells you right off the bat if you're dealing with a "bitch" sorry boys.. )
3) Are you married? Are you living with someone and sharing a bed? Is there a girl in your house that shares your last name? Are you not divorced? Is someone else on your tricare (or other insurance) that isn't a child? --- ANY YES to this tells you that THEY ARE MARRIED.. slowly grab your sandwich and leave. ha.. SPEAKING OF MARRIED. here are sure signs that he IS married and lying.
a. He's wearing a wedding band (or has a tan line from one)
b. His wife is "married" to him on facebook-- ladies-- it's called stalking.. do it.
c. His wife texts/calls/emails YOU or shows up to the "date" (one or all of the above..)
d. He has an iPhone and turns off iMessage........... (that's a big suspicious thing.. )
(yes-- common sense things-- you'd be surprised people.. YOU'D BE SURPRISED)
4) Do you feel women have a right to vote? drive? Be more successful than you? Do you think men can marry men, girls can marry girls..
5)What is the last home project you did or item you fixed? (if like me, you can't fix shit-- you're going to want him to have a clue about fixing things and tools and stuff..)
6) What is your life plan? Do you have one-- or is getting to tomorrow it?
7) Do you have a kid and if so, is this kid the age that they are still shitting in their pants? And if so-- how quickly do you introduce them to random ladies? (this tells you if he's a DAD or donated sperm for that child. OR if he's just looking for a girl to change diapers)
That's enough for now..
How to answer his questions..
Yes, I will have another beer..
Sadly.. Men don't have many questions. and that's why I end up telling them too much about me, or talking about poop (literally) because it's TOO quiet and I get uncomfortable. Which leads me to pick my nose...
Tips for date night.
DON'T over-do it on the makeup, hair, and outfit. You're going out with him for the first time-- Don't give it all away then.. Don't wear heels you can't walk in or are a tall amazon in, be yourself.. I recently went on a date (it was actually amazing) and the guy told me (in text prior to) to be the "real Kim", because how else can he get to know ME? If you know me, you know that might've been bad advice to tell me-- to be ME, but his words are very true. I worried that I wouldn't be dressed "trendy" enough or keep him interested in a tank top and jeans and cotton zip up.. but-- that's me.. I will wear dresses and heels-- but- not the first night and I appreciate that person's advice.. SO LADIES-- from a good looking guy-- BE YOURSELF -- they want to know the real you
DON'T be a whore.. just. don't.
DON'T disrespect his ex or his friends (in conversation about those if they come up or you know them)
DON'T talk too much about your ex.. if like me, you despise your last boyfriend-- just make your response (if and when he asks about your last relationship) BRIEF and HONEST. In my case I just say "He forgot he had a girlfriend when I was deployed... so we're no longer together.. " Or sometimes I just say "he died.") You look pathetic and still not over it if you go on and on and on..
DO NOT by any means-- send him or show him any NAKED pictures that might be on your phone.. That is NOT ok.. don't do it.. you WILL be the wallpaper at his work place or texted to all his friends that night-- and he will NOT respect you from there out..
AND finally.. my biggest tip for both girls and boys..
DON'T KISS on the FIRST date.. I truly believe that the first date is to sit in the same space together, feel it out, listen to how they talk, judge their intelligence and open minded-ness (MY 2 most important qualities), and see if maybe you want to go out again-- which is when the kiss could happen.. There should be no time limit.. I think if it's supposed to happen, the moment will be right and that is what a guy told me once.. and like I told the person who told me that.."If the moment ISN'T right-- and you think it is and come in for the kiss-- I will kick you in the balls, blow my rape whistle, and scream "I NEED AN ADULT."
More coming soon..
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